I was having a BAD day yesterday. My manager came to me late in the day and confronted me about a trading error that could cost the firm thousands. He wanted to know why I hadn’t come to him, why I had tried to fix it myself, why I had screwed up in the first place.
He barked and I retreated, wanted to crawl under my desk, considered quitting then realized this job is actually the reason I get those regular deposits to my bank account. So I swallowed my anger over the fact that it was a system issue not an ‘I’m so dumb issue’, went home and did yoga. Tried to find my ZEN when really I should’ve worked my boxing heavy bag. My husband is in Edmonton on a business trip and my boys went for dinner with their Dad so I was alone except for my dog Bear.
I was dressed in a gauzy spring shirt and thin pants. The dog raced out of my car and up the green space between houses leading to my boys’ school. As the arctic wind picked up and it started to rain I thought, “perfect. What a nice finish to my wonderful f*ckin$ day”.
Then I saw my sometime dog park buddy, an older gentleman who works at the university. His tall, blonde lab to my shorter darker lab, bounded up to greet me then tried to wrestle my gentle giant to the ground. My friend had a health scare recently and required a shunt in his heart. He looks good though, rosy cheeked and still the tall, solid man he was and he continues to travel. He is headed to Kosovo this summer to study the effects of conflict on school children, now grown. The UN is sending in more troops to Kosovo these days so it’s still a hotspot that makes Canada look boringly safe and my job look insignificant.
I bid him farewell, packed up my dog, and headed to the hospital to visit my Dad’s cousin who just had double hip surgery. The wind turned my umbrella inside out as I struggled against the deluge of rain to navigate my way from pay parking to reception. I bought her an orchid in a delicate pink teacup that I promptly dropped and broke on my way to the elevator. I cursed and stood there looking at the jagged pieces of my gift and the water seeping onto the floor. A young couple behind me stopped their stroller and helped me pick up the bits. They were on their way to visit Papa as the child in the stroller kept saying.
Hospitals are not happy places and not the place I wanted to be after the day I had, but my Dad’s cousin is family and isn’t that what we do, hang together in times of need?
She looked tired and sickly. I tried to cheer her up, but ended up commiserating with how crappy life can be some days. But she will be up and walking again soon and she will regain her freedom and head home. Floral arrangements crowded her window sill and I left her some trashy magazines to fill the hours.
I got home to my boys, then my husband called. They make me feel loved and supported. Even so I didn’t sleep well and came into work this morning thinking that my career may be over. Maybe I didn’t want this stupid job if I get nothing but grief.
I opened my email and saw a message from my manager to our head office explaining the system problem that occurred. Then the broker I work with talked to my manager and I felt maybe I wasn’t so alone and out on a limb. It turns out that my manager wanted me to come to him first with my problem, not try to fix it myself. We do work better as a team.
So when I think life sucks and maybe the universe is out to get me, instead of withdrawing to safety maybe I need to look outward and realize that I’m not alone but part of a team - at work and at home. Maybe I don’t have it so bad. We’re all in this together and some days will be better than others, but all days get better when we hang together or maybe just hang in there.
Besides the sun is shining again….
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